Out with the Old, in with the New

Steve has made a rather big jump in the last several weeks in his functionality.  Just before Thanksgiving he finally got carbon-fiber AFO's (Ankle-Foot Osthesis) to stabilize his legs.  Essentially they consist of a foot plate that goes underneath the shoe inserts, and then a 1/2 inch bar that connects to velcro straps around the calves.  It does several things for him.  It transfers information from his feet to places where he has more sensation, so he's getting much more input about where his feet are.  It also takes a great amount of strain off of his knees and glutes.  He's improved his balance so much that he's down to one cane, and has increased his walk-to-work time from 30 minutes to 20 minutes!  To give you an idea of the balance improvement, his pre-brace balance score was 18% and his score with braces increased to about 60%!  His pre-accident time was about 13 minutes, so this is really amazing.  Finally, we're finding that he's working the proper muscles when he's walking, so his calves are firing more regularly and more steadily.  He's not able to make that happen without the braces because of his balance, so this is really helping to build up his calves.

This is also very hard work, too.  His feet and legs are exhausted at the end of the day, and his body just feels worked.  But the increase in balance and mobility and taking the strain off his knees is so worth it.  We went on the first family neighborhood walk we've been on since the accident -- an hour-long stroll to Biola and around campus.  It was so fun to return to something that is so very us.

Two more gifts during the holiday season -- Steve's braces make it possible for him to get on his trainer bicycle in the garage.  He has a lift that's made for his road bike so that it essentially works like a stationary bike.  It was so awesome to see him up on the bike again, just like he was before.

Possibly the best gift was the clearance to DRIVE!!  We met early this week with Rancho's Driving School OT's.  After some evaluation, training and simulator reaction time, he went out in their training car.  He scored really well, and the very thorough and cautious OT's were confident to clear him for driving short distances. Today I watched him drive himself to work and couldn't have been more proud.  He never, ever complains about his dependence on others, but it made me so thankful to watch him gain some of that freedom back.  

We do still have our reality checks that this is for the long haul, and that some of the damage may yet prove to be permanent.  Here's kind of a funny example.  The other day Steve turned on the seat warmer in our car.  He kind of forgot that his butt has no feeling until he shifted his position and part of his leg that does have feeling touched the seat.  I thought he was going to jump out of his skin!  It was a comical reminder of the sobering fact that there are still no guarantees for complete and total healing.  So we'll continue to walk (walk!!) in that strange tension of these gifts and losses together.  All of it is to the glory of God.

November

So this thing happened where November kinda got sucked up like a sock in a vacuum.  People ask how we are doing, and it seems so generic to say "BUSY!"  And yet, accurate!  I am kind of dying to spend more time blogging because so many of you have been kind enough to keep reading, keep asking about us, keep praying, and I want to honor you with a very honest, from our hearts view of our lives.  I have seen God continue to use our family for his purposes and I continue to marvel.  Be it unto us as you have said, Lord.  

For now, some photos to narrate our November!  

This is our Thanksgiving tree that I put up each year.  Really, I'm the only one that adds things to it for the most part, but I did notice that Lucy added some things unaided:  "Books" was her most recent entry.  (YAY!)  I try to represent the incredible gifts our family has experienced during the year, and it seems to fall so far short.  But in the end, we offer even the most profound words at such a great gulf to what praise God really deserves.  So thankful that the Holy Spirit translates perfectly. My hope is that these physical reminders will speak to my children's hearts in ways that my audible words can't.    

We did not escape the Fall rounds of sickness this year as we often have.  I made the mistake twice of believing I had a "free" week coming up in which to "catch up" and "get ahead."  Ha.  The first week I did that the kids took turns with a long-lasting stomach bug.  The second week I did that, we got the nasty cough/fever du jour.  Søren was actually incredibly cute though, when he lost his voice.  Poor baby was voice-less for 3 days.  I won't lie, it was kind of nice...

In between we had a mid-week day off for Veteran's Day.  Steve had 8-5 meetings that day, so we three tripped off to the beach for a perfect November beach day.  We dug and ran and found shells and I soaked up the peace that I always seem to find when I'm near the ocean.  (Even the idea of living too far away from the ocean almost terrifies me like claustrophobia.)  We even had a dolphin sighting!

You already know that we are goobers.  I'm not really sure what the gang sign is that Lucy's making here.

This was Lucy's field trip to the Shipley Nature Preserve, where they had some hands-on learning about the California Coastal Native Americans.  It was an exceptionally well done field trip -- best to date!  I'm so privileged to be a stay-at-home-mom right now so that I can do these things with my kids.

And then there was THIS.  Is there anything cuter than a Kindergartener in an oversized construction-paper pilgrim hat?  I submit that there is NOT.

We got in the car at 5am on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving so we could beat the traffic on the 5 to San Jose.  (This meant that Steve had to get up at 3:30 to perform his necessary routines.) We had a fantastic time with the Earle family, every cousin, aunt and uncle present and accounted for.  I made lemon meringue pie and apple crisp and we ate like monarchs.  Mimi gave me a special treat and took me to the San Jose Center for the Performing Arts--just the way to speak to my heart!  However, even "Joe" (pictured below) could not work his magic with the sad, sad Niners, and we all walked away with red-and-gold daggers in our hearts.  I'm actually considering watching basketball this year to cleanse my palate.

So begins December and The Mad Rush of it all, which now includes our twice-weekly appointments at Rancho, plus blood-draws and appointments with the prosthetics clinic, driving clinic, and all The Stuff.  And yet, God has been gracious, allowing me small moments of quiet when I'm really, really able to take in, like a sharp gasp of wonderfully frigid air, that he sent Jesus.  That Jesus laid aside heaven and walked with dusty, grimy feet, was everyday at the heart of gossip and slander and eventually lay even that aside.  Because it's a joke to think that I can conjure up enough "good" to bridge the gap between me and a perfect, holy God.  I'm not sure I've ever felt so intimately, so fully, safely, and confidently loved by God in my life, and I'm profoundly grateful.  Veni, Jesu!

Gettin' Around

Earle Travelogue - October 2014

*Note:  My daughter has pointed out from her recent studies that in one month, the Earles have traversed all four California terrain-types:  Coastal, Desert, Mountain, Valley.

Destination One:  Selma, CA (The Raisin Capitol of the World)
How did 20 years slip by so fast??  After leaving Steve at home with the kids (stop worrying, he was just fine!) I had an absolutely delightful 24 hours in the Central Valley.  My reunion was in a barn, as was right.  33 out of my 66 classmates and some spouses came, making the largest turn-out ever!  20 is the magic year.  It's when all the baloney melts away from high school, and you find out how much enjoyable people really can be.  I think perhaps I most loved hearing stories from people I didn't know as well, and getting high school from their perspectives.  And it turns out that wound-a-little-tight-Jenny has relaxed quite a bit and is WAY more fun now!

33 of the 66!  Go Class of '94

And I moved a mattress... that's a whole other story... 

Destination Two:  San Diego, CA (Shamu Capitol of the World)
My birthday weekend!  I said quite awhile ago that I thought it would be fun to go to Sea World for my birthday, and as it started to look like Steve could perhaps travel, it somehow became essential to me.  I found a Groupon for a hotel in Mission Bay (right on the beach!), and off we went!  I felt my soul just being cleansed as we went as a family to do something just so fun.

My brother's good buddy from Biola is an aquarist there, and he got us cheap tickets and a behind-the-scenes tour of the Sea Turtles and the coming-soon Octopus exhibit.  Best birthday awesomeness ever, without a doubt!  I mean, I had a massive 100-year-old sea turtle eating lettuce right out of my hand, and got to experience first-hand (literally) that octopus suction cups are individually articulated.  And very, very suctiony.

The kids loved the shows, of course, and I'll always be a sucker for a leaping dolphin.  Lucy kept turning to me and saying in this just-for-you voice, "Mom, I'm so glad it's your birthday.  I love you so much."  Melting. Søren had his perfect, sweet hugs for me all day.  That they had their attention and thoughts turned to me and who I am in the midst of the awesomeness (and I mean that in its original meaning!) of Sea World, well, I'll go with "incredibly meaningful" for utter lack of other words.

We also got to fulfill a small dream of mine:  Steve got to play on the beach with the kids.  They have longed for this, and I think it has symbolized a great loss to me.  This beach was right next to the hotel's little paths, and was accessible for Steve with his canes.  It was a beautiful moment to see the 3 of them goofing around together in the sand again.

Destination Three:  Mammoth Lakes, CA (Weird Postpile Capitol of the World)
While the timing was strange, an opportunity came up for us to use a suite in Mammoth for a song, and when we discovered that the Geringers were going, we booked it and figured we'd pick up any pieces later.  Oh, the perfection of it all!

The kids were beyond thrilled to spend part of their time with the Geringer kids: in the pool, playing Uno Attack, playing Minecraft.  Or talking about Minecraft.  Or thinking about Minecraft.  Or thinking about playing Minecraft again.  And you pretty much will never have trouble convincing me to spend as much time as I can with two of my favorite people on the planet.  Or to spend as much time as I can in the Sierras.  So perfect.

But perhaps the hilight for all of us was that Steve...well...he hiked! Doug loaned him some hiking sticks that look kind of like ski poles (you know, like the quintessential Swiss and German hikers have!).  I figured he'd get to the Devil's Postpile.  0.4 miles, that should do us for the day, right.  No, Steve wanted to get to the top.  And by heaven, he did!  It was clearly slow going, and there were several times we thought this was the dumbest thing we'd ever done, but that man was not going to get halfway there.  Deep, deep joy seeping into my soul.

So then we did it again at Hot Creek Geological Site, a hot springs right off of the Mammoth-Yosemite airport.  Amazing site, steep decline, triumphant Steve.  Unbelievable.

Destination Four:  Selma, CA (Raisin Capitol of the World, and Site of Maternal Grandparents)
I was humbled and honored back in August when I was asked to serve Riverpark Bibe Church in Fresno as speaker for their Holiday Women's Tea.  Let me tell you, they do it up right.  Each table painstakingly adorned, food exquisitely prepared, and hospitality like nobody's business.  I felt welcomed, loved and cared for well before I ever even set foot on their campus.  It was an absolute privilege to be there, and it continues to be clear that God wanted to use our story to work in the hearts of many others.  I'll tell you more about this one later--I'd love to share some of the insights God granted me as I prepared.

Meanwhile... Magical Things happen when children take their grandfather (and his wallet) to one of the coolest pumpkin patches ever.  I think my dad got to experience that deep, soul-filling joy of seeing how God has healed Steve's body.  The last time he saw Steve was day 3 or 4 at in-patient rehab.  To see Steve (slowly) getting up rustic stairs was jaw-dropping to him, and I could hear in his voice and demeanor the sort of speechless thanksgiving he was offering to the God of all healing.  As the by-standing physician who has closely followed Steve's case throughout, he knows the minutia of the body's healing process.  The intricate workings of muscle and nerve and cell and mind and will.  One who could picture Steve's broken body on the operating table with stark clarity and reality.  To then see this man walk from the kitchen to the living room without a cane, to see it with his own eyes.  Just imagine.

Trains were ridden, pumpkins were purchased ("Sure you can have as many as you want!  As long as you can carry them!"), and then home-grown chiles relleño were fried up to close out the day.  Oh yes, and Apple Betty baked, made with apples the kids had picked themselves from the tree Grandpa planted at the farm when their oldest cousin was born.

 


1900 miles later, I'm ready to park my hiney in La Mirada for a spell, but rarely has travel worked its way so deep into my soul.

Bloggy friends!  HI!  Oh man, I'm so happy to be back here again!  I've missed you! (Wow, that sounds odd!)

It's been a little sparse around here for a couple of reasons.  First, this was a CRAZY October.  We were gone 4 weekends in a row.  That's a lot in Old Normal Life, but in New Normal Life, wow.  I'm the sole driver, and I logged almost 1900 miles, just in all the getting-there-and-back.  More on the travel later.

Second, there wasn't a whole lot to report medically this last month.  Steve finally plateaued in early October with his Kaiser PT, and decided to do all his therapy at the Biola gym and at home for a few weeks.  He said goodbye to his PT, who choked up when he left, and we ended 3 months of PT there.  His progress, as always, has been slow and steady.  He's faster and more stable.  But his feet still look like floppy swim fins, and there are other areas that are coming back too slowly for a report.  Nothing out of the realm of our expectations at this point.  

When we met with the surgeon, he reminded us that his nerves have a LONG way to grow.  At only a millimeter a day, that is 100 days for one centimeter.  We don't know the extent of the damage, and how much will have to re-grow, re-connect.  The physical therapy, even for those parts of his body over which he has little control, is to prevent muscle atrophy, and to promote muscle memory so that when those nerves finally reconnect, they have something to "talk" to.  Think of it like a freeway that has had a bridge collapse over it (think Northridge, '94).  You have to have a working freeway on either side so that when the bridge is rebuilt, traffic can resume with fluidity.  (Medical people, pleeease feel free to weigh in and correct me.)
 
So.  Then TUESDAY, after FOUR months of back-and-forth, Steve actually for reals started his ongoing out-patient physical therapy at Rancho Los Amigos.  He will do PT there twice a week until April, then they will reassess and go from there.

This is a new ball game.  It's the difference between using salad tongs and tweezers to get out a splinter.  There's no guarantee you'll get the splinter out, but you're using the right tools.  Yesterday his muscle strength, etc. was assessed, which means they give numbers on a scale to his strength and mobility.  They will periodically compare and reassess these numbers to chart his progress.  They put him in a balance machine, which measures, well, his balance.  All this helps them pinpoint and craft his home exercises as well.  Today was the second appointment, and they did just that--focused on home exercises.  They also talked about putting Steve in foot/ankle braces.  This would give him far greater balance and help him likely go down to one cane.  (Jaclyn, are you so happy about this or what?) Progress!

One major area that is still difficult is that he isn't driving yet.  He never EVER complains about it, but he is completely dependent on others for his mobility.  I'm thankful we live so close to where he works, because it makes my driving him so incredibly much easier.  But it's still tough to time it all, especially when you add in my driving Lucy to OT and piano and Søren to piano, plus school, homework, and all the Stuff.  If you are still praying for us, please pray that how we deal with the driving issue is resolved soon and with wisdom.  We have some options but it's not yet clear what direction we should go.

Another hurdle is the difficult timing of the appointments that have been available at Rancho.  They are during times when I simply do not have the option of driving him because of school pick-up/drop-off.  So far we have had some stellar folks who've made significant adjustments to be able to take him, and we are so grateful.  But how this will work out over a 4 month period could get very tricky, especially if we're not able to work the driving out soon.

In all, this is a week (and month!) to thank God out of the very deep joy we have had.

Stay tuned ... I've got more stuff to tell you/show you!

Hot-tober

I wrote this last week and never posted it!  And it is MUCH cooler now!  =)  Enjoy!
_____________________________
Oh, Southern California, could we just bid a not-so-fold farewell to the 90-100 degree days already??  People are pinning photos of boots and scarves and hot cider and I so WANNA.  But hey, enough whining about the weather, I have a/c!  And cute flip-flops.

I haven't posted much, as there isn't much to post.  In Søren's music class, the very first song they learn to play goes like this... "I step up, I step down.  Stay the same."  (The notes correspond, of course.)  That kinda describes all the Stuff.  Not much movement toward Rancho--we hear Oct. 28th.  We finally received and sent in the new paperwork for Disability.  Now we wait.  The van is in the shop for a few weeks, and the 4-Runner is getting a good little work out.  Did I tell you before that it turned out the accident was my fault?  I was 100% convinced I was making a legal U-turn at the time.  You can see where this is going... So it was a big blow to discover that it was my fault.  But again, that is why we have insurance, and I'm so thankful.

When Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden, the ground was cursed because of them.  Weeds grew up, and by the sweat of Adams brow was a living to come forth.  The physical world and our relationship with it was cursed.  Our relationship with Work was cursed.  Even in these small but wearying things I see that brokenness of relationship, brokenness of purpose.  A reminder that this is not how it should Be.  But I think that is in so many ways a comfort.  A relief!  This ISN'T how it is supposed to be!  We were designed for more, for better.  And it will take place!  I've never seen that as poignantly as I have in these last 3.5 months.  Oh, for a better country!  Higher up and farther in!

_________________

We have several fun things in the midst of all the hassle.  I made a 24 hr. trip to Selma to attend my 20-year reunion with my old Immanuel High School pals (and moved a queen mattress in the mean time... that's kind of a weird, other story).  It was even better than I expected.  20 years is when you forget all the Stuff from high school and just enjoy seeing people you haven't seen in ages.  My class had 66 graduates, and 33 of them showed.  I had so much fun that I was shocked to look at the time and discover it was gaining on 2 am.  Even 20 years later I instinctively felt bad for being out past curfew!  But it was a fantastic trip, and I was thankful for people who supported Steve while I was gone.

We have THREE great trips coming up that are serving as very sweet consolation to our summer.  We'll get to go to SeaWorld for my birthday and stay in Mission Bay--the kids will get their longed-for wish of playing at the beach with Dad.  We also were given a wonderful chance to go to Mammoth with some of our very best friends--and I'll get to enjoy being COLD!  And we will get to see my parents--the first time we'll have seen them since Long Beach rehab.  So much joy bound up in that last paragraph.  God has met our needs far beyond the basic ones.  I'm so aware of how intimately he knows our hearts and what we long for.  We have worked to seek him in all of this, and he has added all these things to us.  Piled good things on us.  What a true Father he is.

Nuts and Bolts and Pins and Needles

Let me first update you on all the nitty gritty details of Steve's recovery plan.  He continues to gain mobility and balance each week, though the progress seems very slow.  He's been given two canes to replace his walker, which is much faster and less cumbersome.  He is working full-time with the exception of his appointments, and that continues to go well.  As his nerves "wake up" there is often some pain that goes with it.  His feet are painful, and his body gets sore from pushing himself in PT.  Thankfully this is not debiliating pain, but it is certainly uncomfortable.  As we hit the 3 month mark, he was able to wean off his brace!  That was exciting!

Last Wednesday, Steve started on the blood thinners to break up the DVT's (blood clots) in his legs, and he'll be on these meds for 6 months.  This is a very involved process with dietary control and restrictions and a weekly blood draw.  Any changes in his health must be reported to the DVT clinic immediately.  The lab situation is pretty time-costly on top of our already full medical schedule, so it should get interesting.

We discovered that Kaiser only approved one appointment for us at Rancho, waiting for a treatment plan before it would approve further appointments.  Our appointment 1 month ago was a screening, which was to lead us to a full evaluation.  We have been waiting for the paperwork to go through for the evaluation and anticipate an appointment this Wednesday for that.  THEN the treatment plan must be submitted and approved before we will have regular appointments.

In addition to the bureaucratics of health insurance, Steve has run into difficulty getting his disability reimbursement.  We submitted the paperwork in June.  We should have heard something weeks ago.  Their website consistently rejected his social security number.  So Steve spent 2 weeks calling literally 50-100 times every day, only to have his call dropped because of the "high volume of callers."  He finally got through and was told that a required signature was not received.  We sent it.  They don't have it.  So we start over and hope that we are not rejected for applying more than 90 days after the accident.  We are thankful to have a healthy financial safety net in the mean time.

School continues to go well, and I'm so very thankful for that.  I am not, however, any less busy!  I now have two sets of homework to oversee as well as 2 piano lessons/sets of practicing a week.  In addition, we have Lucy's weekly OT in Los Alamitos (a 30 minute drive).  So on my "free" mornings on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I am racing around to take care of laundry, grocery shopping, etc., and helping in the classroom.  Then it's a race in the afternoon from pick-up until bedtime.

Last week threw us another curve.  Wednesday morning Steve and the kids and I were on the way to work/school in our van, and we were rear-ended as we were about to turn a corner.  It was a low-impact bump and everyone was fine.  I just wasn't excited to add another hassle to our plate.  Then on Thursday I was flipping a U on Imperial, and a man in a truck pulled out of the Home Depot parking lot without seeing me and gunned it right into my right corner.  I was fine, and the car was able to be driven the mile home (after the tow-truck guy pulled the fender off of the tire), but we now have a second claim to handle.

I'll be straight with you, by Friday last week, all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and watch movies for 72 hrs. straight.  I am the family's only driver right now, and two accidents in as many days have made me never want to get behind the wheel again.  I felt deflated and tired.  We hit the 3 month mark on the 13th, and truthfully, this is all just feeling old.  Steve (though never complaining) is tired of being dependent, and feeling so exclusively identified with his accident.  Three months may not seem long, but I think it is the point at which about anything begins to feel stale.

When I sat down to pray Thursday I simply just asked God what to do with all this.  I cannot pretend I don't feel all that I'm feeling by simply thinking positive.  "At least you weren't hurt, at least the car wasn't totaled, etc."  I feel all those things.  I do.  My first thoughts after both accidents were thankfulness that no one was hurt, that my car was not totaled, that we have insurance, that I had my phone.  But I can't pretend that this hasn't brought my heart down.  As I've been asking God what to do with this, I'm reminded to just allow myself to feel what I'm feeling, and remember God's faithfulness to me in the past.  To hold a low spirit in tension with trust in a God greater than trifles like car accidents and bike accidents.  I don't need to pretend that my thankfulness replaces the wrongness of things like accidents.  But that God will redeem even this lowness of spirit, I have complete confidence.

As the weekend progressed, I realized that faith is not just trusting that God will "get me through this," but that I don't have to name all the lessons I am learning.  I may not know for a year, 5 years, 10 years how God is working now.  I may never know.  But he is continuing to build a confident trust and is giving me peace and calm in the not knowing.

The Earles' New Groove

Last week we said goodbye to summer.  In all, we managed to piece together a good summer.  The kids and I made it out to Catalina, the kids went to the aquarium, we did swim lessons, we played with friends, and went to the beach.  As our last hurrah, Steve took his one and only vacation day this summer, and we headed to the Natural History Museum before our passes expired.  It warms my heart that my children love museums!  Marshall, you trained us well!

We felt that we'd finally arrived when it came to museum visits!  The kids are really interested in learning, and Steve and I actually got to look at the exhibits without chasing constantly after kids.  It was a super fun day out! 

 We had hoped to alleviate our cabin fever by going away somewhere for the weekend, but truly were just too tired to try to find a place that was accessible, restful, inexpensive, and not a 6 hr. car trip away.  We opted for a Stay-cation. We surprised the kids by taking them to the Lego Store at Downtown Disney and letting them pick out a lego set of their choice.  Why I didn't get their reactions on film is beyond me, because it was GOLD.  Their faces lit up as if their dreams had all come true.  

Doesn't it totally look like Hulk is about to push Steve's wheel chair?  

 They put together their legos for hours, and I got to work on a latent craft, a (fabric) succulent wreath for my front door.  I refuse to put up a Fall wreath when it's 100 degrees out.

Not totally sure who is happiest with the Legos... 

So.  Then came September 4th, the First Day of School.  Also known as The Day I Remember What Quiet Sounds Like.  Many of you were praying for the day, as we often just don't know what kind of reaction we'll get to a new school year.  It truly couldn't have gone better.  Søren was super chill about the whole thing, Lucy was more excited for Søren than anyone.  We were sad not to see a couple special friends there who have moved away, but also so happy to see other great friends.  Lucy's teacher is such a great fit for her, and is a stellar teacher.

Søren got Lucy's Kindergarten teacher, and we couldn't be more thrilled.  I'm looking forward to helping in her classroom--she is the Circus Master, and I totally love helping out there.  He doesn't really know anyone yet, but it doesn't seem to bother him.  I know it won't be long before he connects with some of the really great kids in his class.  

Kindergarten and 3rd Grade!

And then this weekend, we bought Steve a cane.  I totally wish we had a super awesome cane--this one was the generic black cane at Rite Aid.  But it's already a huge help to him at home, as he can carry things with more stability.

So we are all in a bit of a new groove.  The kids are getting used to school, Steve is trying out some new walking tricks, and I am remembering what it is like to Think my Thoughts during the day. I can't help but chuckle -- the PTA has been swooping low as they discover that I have BOTH my kids in school all day.  I just smile and decide not to tell them that I'm driving my husband to 3-4 appointments a week, working through all of our medical paperwork, and catching up on the past 8.5 years of having small children at home.  And maybe doing my own grooving to something other than Everything Is Awesome.

Space For Tears

With all the forward progress we have had and the further away we've gotten from the trauma of Steve's accident, I have felt that my emotions have returned to a state of normal.  I don't feel sad or weepy in general, but rather busy and tired.  I haven't had meals scheduled for our family, because I feel like I should be able to get them on the table just fine.  I'm not scared for Steve's life, he is constantly--if slowly--improving.  Things could have been much, much worse and we are deeply thankful.

Yesterday our small group, with whom we've been meeting for well over a decade (part of that group for 15 years now) got together as we are starting our Fall schedule.  These are the people with whom we've done life.  We've been through long-suffering with this group, as well as great joys.  Somehow, sitting around with a group who has permission to ask the really probing questions just tapped the faucet for me.  I deeply felt the pain of this summer, the loss, the weight of responsibility I shoulder, the weariness of our weekly forward march.  I felt the exhaustion of having very little margin in our lives.  I felt the cabin fever of invalids.  I felt the loss the kids have experienced, my limits as a parent.  The continued loss of the littlest things that pile up together.

I remember years ago Virginia Friesen saying that we don't as a culture allow ample time for post-op.  Our bodies desperately need the time to recover, even when we think we feel "normal."  We feel weak and sheepish if we are not back up on our feet right away.  This is true of our minds and emotions as well.  I think because so many things in our life had achieved a new routine, a new normal, I no longer had a place to grieve, to feel, to shed tears.  I'm not sure I wanted to.  I felt sheepish, indulgent, and ungrateful. And I've been doing what I myself preach against--comparing my suffering to the great suffering of others and belittling it in comparison.

When we were still at UCI, Steve was more emotional than he's ever been in his life.  The meds he was on made him exceptionally emotional, not to mention the trauma.  As he and I were crying together over the realization of some of the losses, Denise Geringer in her great wisdom said to us,"Tears are a gift to us.  God gave us a mechanism of release for those emotions so that we don't store them in our bodies or our minds."

So today I am thankful that God is providing space for those tears to fall, reminding myself that there will be tears for some time to come.  I think as an outsider looking in, seeing Steve's progress sets things into order, and checks off a box.  With the advent of more global media, we develop sympathy fatigue and simply do not have the capacity to carry that much second-hand grief on our own shoulders.  So as a culture we cling to good news and allow ourselves to check it off.  Oh, your cancer isn't fatal?  You had the surgery?  Awesome, you're all done, back to normal.  And yet, a part of yourself, an irreplaceable season of your life, is gone and can never be retrieved.  The slate is not clean.

So as we bear one another's burdens, this does not mean that you must feel every feeling that your community feels, that you cannot feel joy that their prognosis is good.  You do not have to enter completely into their suffering.  As Ecclesiastes says, there is a time for everything.  So if there is a time for tears, that also means there is a time for NOT tears.  But we must also allow those who are suffering the space to shed the tears, even if it is far past the impact of their grief.  It is okay not to cheer them up, but to let them shed the weight of grief a little bit.  To exercise that gift God gave us of tears.

As for me, I will try to let others help me more, so that I can allow myself the time to feel what I need to feel.  To give myself the space for those tears.  If I don't, I can't make room for the joy God has in store for me as he gives us back more than we have lost.  And in the end, he will indeed wipe away every single tear I've shed, and redeem this time a million-fold.

My view from Secret Spot #2.  Cloudy today, so no Catalina for me.

Rancho at Last!

This is the only cool view of Rancho.  The rest of it is about as old-school as you can get--sprawled and slightly weird and clearly last renovated before I was born.  But it's what's on the inside that counts.

We had our initial evaluation early today, so we dropped the kids with our heroes across the street and got super lucky with traffic, allowing us to get to our appointment early.  This is a state-run hospital and while in Downey, bumps up against South Gate, Lynwood, Paramount and Compton.  Most patients here are Medicare and Medical.  And it's also known world-wide for its cutting edge rehab programs.

We had a short appointment with the physical therapist to evaluate the direction we will be going.  Had there been no hope of recovery, Steve would've been directed toward therapy that helps him deal well with what he's got.  But because he has already progressed so much, they are excited to be much more aggressive.

So the PT has slated him for "urgent," one-on-one therapy, likely 2 times a week.  It looks like another 2 weeks before the extensive evaluation where we'll piece together more details, but the ball is officially rolling.

We both really liked the therapist, and felt really good about the direction they want to go with Steve.  This is truly a gift from God, and a response to your specific prayers.

From Secret Spot #2

I'm holed up in the most perfect corner of Kaiser Downey's Garden building.  On the 4th floor in the far corner of the hallway there is a quiet table and chairs that no one seems to know about with a huge window, view of Palos Verdes and sometimes of Catalina.  This is where I sit to write my thank you notes, schedule babysitters, pay bills, etc.  It's been a sweet little gift to me.

Steve is continuing to progress slowly but steadily.  In the Race of the Snails, he is sweeping the field.  He is back to work almost full-time now, doing well there, though still making adjustments (who knew that it could be a huge pain to close and lock your office door?).  He has one more month with his back brace (look for the gigantic bonfire when that thing comes off!), and is getting around the house a good bit without the walker, just using chairs and walls for balance.  If he keeps forward momentum, he can maintain his balance pretty well, though he is still pretty slow and unsteady on his feet.  He looks a little as if he's trying to get around on swim fins.

Steve's endoscopy/colonoscopy went well -- only one residual bleed that is on its way to healing.  And hey, now he's good for 10 years on that horrid procedure!  We are not sure yet when he will start anti-coagulants, but I'd assume it will be in the next month.  We do not know whether they will pull the IVC which protects the blood clots, but won't need to cross that bridge for another 6 months or so.

The big news is that we finally have an evaluation scheduled at Rancho Los Amigos next Thursday!  We continue to hear nothing but the highest praise of Rancho and can hardly wait to get there.  The big hurdle will be schedule availability for them.  Some of their programs have a 6 month wait list.  However, we understand that the spinal recovery may not be quite so impacted.  In the mean time, our Kaiser PT has really stepped up her game and is pushing Steve a little harder, incorporating much of what Denise and Jaclyn have put together.  He is seeing lots of acute improvement in particular areas where they work.

Sleep continues to be a bit of a chore for both of us, but it is adequate.  It takes a very long time for Steve to get ready in the morning, but he is getting much more efficient.  He is down to only two meds, one of which is an over-the-counter that he might be able to stop soon.  He has very little pain, though still a lot of discomfort and is still somewhat ginger with his back.

So how are we doing?  I have been trying to figure out how to answer that.  In so many ways, life seems pretty normal-ish now.  He's at work most of the day, so the kids and I are doing our regular stuff--shopping for school clothes and school supplies, swim lessons, working on piano and phonics and handwriting, cleaning and re-cleaning and re-re-cleaning rooms.  I have a house-cleaner coming once a week to do the bathrooms for the time being, and will likely have a Biola student coming when she returns to campus.  The kids will start up their music lessons soon.  School starts in 3 weeks.  It feels very busy with constant scheduling of either rides or child-care, but then we have moments and days that feel very run-of-the-mill.  We're not emotional, we're not feeling a whole lot about all this.

But it is the great Weight around our ankles, around which our world is now centered.  I sometimes forget that Steve can't brush down the pool or bring plates over to the table or drive.  I'm pretty ashamed that I've felt childishly sorry for myself over that kind of ridiculousness.  I've certainly been able to appreciate my dear single-mom friends and the weight they bear, and I still have Dad in the house, parenting with me.  I've been so, so thankful that Steve is not in constant pain, nor does he feel sick, and he's not in bed all the time.  And we are not functioning under any fear that we will lose him.  We have only hope that he will recover fully.  How many people can say as much?

So I have struggled to know how to answer the question "How are you guys doing?"  Normal and not normal.  Fine and not yet fine.  Hurry up and wait.  Frustrated and hopeful.  Crisis is where your world sees what your faith really looks like, and the long, quiet marathon is when you see what your faith really looks like.  God is so very, very good to us daily.  Momently.

To get in the pool, Steve takes his walker to the chair (a different one), lowers his butt with his arms down to the pool deck, then lowers himself step by step.  He is doing his daily walking therapy in the pool, which has been a huge blessing.  

Jaclyn and Denise -- Steve's personal physical therapy team! 

Søren's favorite mode of transportation. 

Jenny with a Fringe on Top

We continue to literally put one foot in front of the other each week.  Steve continues to improve much more quickly than any of his doctors could have predicted.  To Steve especially, it feels oh. so. slooooow.  But that is part of the reason for this blog--to provide ourselves with a historical record of how far he has come and what God has done.

To give you an idea of what "improvement" looks like, it is even more than the fact that he can walk around the house without his walker much of the time now. (As long as he is close to something that can catch his balance.)  We are seeing slow increase in some of the different muscle groups.  He can move his foot up and down more, his calf muscles and glutes are firing more, and there's some increase in ability to use the outside of his foot for balance.

We are still waiting for the slow process of being transferred to Rancho Los Amigos for his physical therapy.  In the mean time, we had a PT party at our house yesterday afternoon.  My friend Jaclyn, who is a spinal recovery PTA, was in town visiting and did a 2 hour work-out with Steve.  Denise was here and took vigorous notes.  They talked about the strategy of PT for Steve, thinking through what his goals are.  The goal isn't just to strengthen his quads, the goal is for him to be able to get up from a sitting position, or bend down to pick something up, or go down stairs.  Jaclyn was nearly giddy working with him, as she had a highly motivated, quickly progressing patient with a fantastic attitude.  At this stage of recovery, there is so much he can be doing!

In addition, Steve was cleared by his surgeon to get in the pool!  Not for actual swimming until likely late September, but for walking.  It is so great to see the kids like minnows around him as he does his daily walking back and forth in the water.

We both needed this boost.  We've been feeling like we are stuck in a super weird in-between-land.  We don't know our schedule from week to week, yet we are terribly busy.  And feel like it's a hurry-up-and-wait busy at the same time.  It very much reminds me of how life changes when you bring home a baby.  Your life is crazy busy, but it's hard to describe what exactly it is you're doing all day, how tired you are, and what the weird Twilight Zone you live in is like.

The other boost we got this week was the arrival of Steve's parents for the week.  Another gift from God -- my friend and neighbor around the corner was desperately looking for a house/dog-sitter during their vacation exactly during the timeline of Mimi and Papa's intended stay.  So they don't have to sleep on air-beds on the floor, they get to sleep in a real bed.  Not to mention Papa is the Dog Whisperer.

During their stay this week we've been able to check a few things off our list:  oil change on the van, kids trip to the aquarium, and a haircut for me!  News-flash:  I have bangs for the first time in 23 years!  (Hence the title--Sari tells me the Brits call bangs "fringe").  It feels sooo good to get some of those things taken care of.  And there's just nothing like seeing my kiddos jump up and down when their grandparents arrive.

We also had a sweet, sweet visit with my sister and her family last weekend.  Sari and Abby came through on their way to pick up Jason and Emma from their Mexico missions trip.  I didn't mention this before because at the time I didn't feel it was my story to tell, but a week after Steve's accident, my precious niece ended up in the hospital for 4 days with a new diagnosis of Type-One Diabetes.  She had been slowly declining, and had reached a scary, critical point.  It was really precious--Steve and Abby were praying for each other from their hospital beds.  They call each other "fellow sufferer."  It was so, so good to hold my girl in my arms and see her beautiful face and to have her show me her diabetes kit.  I got to look in her eyes and tell her what we are learning ourselves:  That when God asks something hard of you, he gives you everything you need and more.

I lifted this quote from a friend on Facebook the other day.  I should've known that Billy Graham would say it best!

"The will of God will not take us where the grace of God cannot sustain us."  - Billy Graham

Campus by the Sea

The one vacation we had firmly in place this summer was our annual family camp at Campus by the Sea out at Catalina Island.  The first time I attended as a camper, I was a year old, there were only pit toilets and salt-water "showers," gas lanterns, and arrival by an extremely frightening, pulley-rope operated shuttle-boat.  I still marvel at the fact that my mother agreed to return the next summer.  Years later I spent 3 summers on staff.  Years after that, I brought my boyfriend, Steve, to camp with our family, and he not only won the milk-carton boat race, but literally left everyone else drifting out to sea.  We took it as a sign.

The kids were troopers about missing camp--they were surprisingly philosophical about it all.  But in my heart I ached to put our feet on those rocks just for a moment before the summer was over. The verse chosen as their camp motto is, "Come away to a quiet place and get some rest."  God has met me throughout my lifetime there, and much of the credit for our solid marriage comes from the years of listening to Paul and Virginia Friesen teach on marriage and family.

So.  You need photos. They'll tell the story far better than I can!

We drove down to Long Beach, only about a 35 min drive for us, and caught the 8:30 Catalina Express to Avalon.  Søren was singing, "Everything Is Awesome," much to the delight of some neighboring college-aged passengers.  

Filling our shoes with camp dirt the moment we touched down. If you've been to my house, you'll recognize this from the painting my sister did of Søren that hangs over the piano.

Within the protective arms of the cove.

Hiking up to the Cross, we saw a white-tailed buck just off the path.  He didn't seem terribly perplexed by our noisy hiking.

My children, who are often big whiners when it's time to pray, sat and prayed with me up here.  We thanked God for the way he has already begun to heal Dad, how he's cared for our family, and they asked me to pray that we could all be there together next summer.  

Contemplating the Pacific.

On their List for the day-- Ice Cream Sandwiches.

Wish I had some pictures from our kayak trip.  We saw dozens of Garibaldi, and a sea lion and a harbor seal going all couch potato along the rocky shore.

The time slipped away so quickly... 

I did get a wonderful chance to sit on that rocky beach and drink in a wonderful talk with Virginia Friesen, who I've known all my life.  She was one of the first (outside my family) to lovingly speak truth into my life, to invest in me, and to root for me.  We were their personal guests while there, and even had the use of their private cabin (super fancy by CBS standards!).  They have loved us so well throughout the years, and seeing them is restorative.  

Paul actually came to see Steve while he was in rehab--a divine appointment.  He was on the mainland for the day for a few last-minute errands before family camps started and wasn't sure where Steve was at the time.  He received word of Steve's being at Long Beach Memorial when he was literally two blocks away.  He came and prayed with Steve during a time when he particularly needed some encouragement.  What a gift.  

One more trek to the Rock Jette to look for crabs and sea anemones.

I was so proud of these two.  They were kind and patient with each other all day.  They even went to the kids' class for part of the morning so I could go listen to the speaker with the adults!  The entire camp prayed for our family!  Amazingly, there was a family absent from this week's camp because he fell and broke a cervical vertebra, for whom we also prayed.  His story parallels Steve's with frightening similarity, and I have reached out to Joy to encourage her, 6 weeks further down that path.  

I love the pearlescent colors at sunset.  It's a magical hour.

A last look.

Waiting for our boat in Town, far past their bedtime.

Dirty, wiped out, and happy.

It took me an entire day to recover--I slept poorly the night before and after, and we were up early and late the day of.  But I felt bolstered and refreshed.  It was as perfect a day as it could have been without Daddy.    

I'll leave you with the verse chosen for Family Camp this year:

You shall walk after the Lord your God and fear him and keep his commandments and obey his voice, and you shall serve him and hold fast to him.  ~Deuteronomy 13:4

Grumpy, Happy, Reality

Oh you dear people who still turn your eyes to us, even six plus weeks after Steve's accident!  We don't deserve you, but thank goodness it's not about deserving.

Steve's first week at work was really good -- so good to get him engaged in Biola again, back with his fabulous IT team.  I think that department is just the awesome-sauce.  Over the years, Steve's been privileged to hand-pick many of them and craft a really amazing team, not just people of ability, but people of character.  Biola is so fortunate to have them.

We had another two appointments on Thursday.  The first was with the urologist, who discussed the health of his kidneys post-hospital-stay.  The appointment went well and Steve got to drop another med (YAY!).  However, apparently urologists don't have a proper sense of urgency when it comes to a second appointment, and we missed Steve's PT appointment next door by 20 minutes.  This was a disappointment because PT is so vital to his recovery.

However, there is good news on the PT front.  We have been approved to go to Rancho Los Amigos, which has unanimous approval from several PT's in our life.  They are THE Spinal Recovery people in the area from what we hear.  We're not sure when we'll actually get in the door there, but I'm hoping by next week at the latest.

We continue to be tired.  The combination of a 4-hour work day plus home-PT is surprisingly draining, and we have had appointments and such mixed in.  I continue to have a rough time sleeping, which makes for a grumpy mommy sometimes.  I'm grumpy because SERIOUSLY, where are all the handicap parking spots?  I'm grumpy because that wheelchair is clunky to lug around.  I'm grumpy because I'm realizing how much Steve really does around here!  He's grumpy because he wakes up and doesn't feel like being partially paralyzed that day. I'm grumpy because scheduling and coordinating is tricky. And I'm grumpy because being grumpy is stupid.

But in the arc of our week and the last 6 weeks, we truly are happy.  We are a happy family, a happy couple.  We went to a movie yesterday, all four of us.  This is kind of a big thing, as we haven't been a movie-going family up to now.  We got invited to a fantastic lunch at Beachwood BBQ with friends (and a fellow Fullerton Loop casualty!).  Every day there are good, good things. So the truth is that life is just good ol' life.  The reality of it is there are good, happy times, there are grumpy times, and we are living real life, living it by grace.

5.5 Week Update

I'll start with the über-exciting news that Steve went back to work part-time on Monday!  This is proving to be so good for all of us so far.  While we have all loved having him home, it has put us in a strange pattern of waiting for something that we can't seem to name.  Going to work set a new rhythm that I think is going to work very well for our family from here on out.  Some have asked, "How are you going to do your job??"  Steve says, "Well, instead of bugging people standing up, I'll bug them sitting down."

We had a good appointment on Monday to continue working on his secondary complications.  He was then scheduled for an endoscopy in August to carefully look for any residual GI tract bleeding (ulcers) from the heavy steroid treatment in the 23 hours prior to surgery.  This is important for us to know because we cannot start anti-coagulants to treat any residual blood clots until we are aware of his ulcer status.  The especially great news is that we were able to reduce Steve's daily meds substantially.  The pill for the ulcer is just a beast.  It has no coating, it's huge, and it immediately starts to disintegrate when you start to swallow it.  It has caused more than one choking scare--thankful my heart is in good, working order.  I'm not sorry to see that one go, that's for sure.

We have a few more rocks to look under before we commit to our out-sourced referral to a spinal cord injury (SCI) physical therapist (PT).  The place we are looking at going is one of the best in the business.  Not excited about extending our drive twice a week, but thankful that we live in the L.A./Orange County area where so many "bests" are located.  For those close by, we'd be going from La Mirada to approximately the 105/710 interchange.  Until then we've had adequate PT and some great long-distance consultation from a dear friend in NorCal who does SPI-PT.

As for me, today I got kidnapped.  The very best kind of kidnapped.  Phil Watson came to hang out with Steve and the kids, and Christi and I went and got pedicures, went shopping, out to dinner... and then went to Big 5 for new tennis balls for the walker.  Like ya do.  I came home feeling like a new woman.  Loved, pampered, taken care of.  I don't think I knew how much I needed this. I still can't even understand how we are so fortunate as to have these kinds of friends.
The kids are doing great.  They seem fully comfortable with Dad in a walker/wheelchair, and because Steve is just the same-old-Steve, they feel secure.  We have some good outings planned, and Mom has had some more energy for them recently.  Thank you for praying so specifically for these things.

As we are doing well, my heart does ache for so many around me who are hurting badly.  Just in the last week plus, four of my friends have lost an immediate loved one--a sister, an uncle, two fathers.  I've been in touch with two friends who lost their husbands in the last year, and two whose husbands have bowed out.  It has reminded me of another Walt Harrah song, called "True Religion," which prompts me to pray with my whole heart for these people, and to see even in our more limited capacity, how we can love them well.

No need to ask, "Who is our neighbor?"
Hurt all around us screams in pain.
Living for self is not an option,
We've tasted of Grace
God's love is within
Let's go live it out.

True religion, pure and faultless
Loves the widow, helps the poor
Feeds the hungry, aids the orphan
With the Heart of Jesus at its core
What are we waiting for? 

Just a quick picture of how God is caring for us

1.) My car has been filthy for a long time.  Not long before Steve's accident, there was a fire at a La Mirada-based Recycling plant, and ash rained down on everything.  We got our yard taken care of, but the car remained disgusting.  Today our dear friends came and told us they would be picking up our car so their whole family could wash and vacuum it out for us.  I immediately started to cry because it was something I desperately wanted done, hadn't been able to get to, but just felt too strange asking for.  And that it was a service their whole family could do together just struck a chord with me.

2.) This morning Kenny Clark preached on Psalm 40, which is about David's cry for help in suffering.  It spoke deeply to us, reminding us that God truly hears us when we cry out.  But we need to be ready to accept God's mercy as He intends it.  So poignant, right to our souls.

3.) Steve developed a fever and chills late this afternoon.  We'd been looking out for this particular infection as a complication common to Steve's particular condition.  He started at warm around 7 and was hot by 9.  We are headed to a doctor's appointment tomorrow afternoon, so we thought he'd be fine until then.  After we prayed together tonight, I felt inclined to call my dad, just to check in.  My dad insisted we start antibiotics right away, as he could get very sick very quickly.  We happened to have antibiotics that my dad had given us awhile back, and Steve was able to start immediately.  He should be feeling much better by tomorrow.

These are only three things--I could give you a score more, just today.  When I was driving to the E.R. the day of Steve's accident, the thought entered my head to start just thanking God.  I wondered whether I was being artificial because it was something I was "supposed" to do.  But I decided even if it was somehow impurely motivated, God still deserved my praise.  I was immediately able to thank God for a dozen things, and our journey had just begun.  Psalm 40 says that in our suffering, remember what God has done.  Remember who God is, what he is capable of, and that he is completely trustworthy.  He is teaching me to do this with all things, large and small.  You could bless me deeply by sharing what God has done, large or small.

Happy Monday to you all!

The Week in Review

Strangely, the weeks are flying by.  Each week comes with microscopic nerve growth.  And each week seems to have a very dark moment, some really, really fun times, lots of details and strategy to think through, and deep, consistent grace soaking in.

This week we made strategic progress on one front.  We had the first of four appointments to work through complications related to the ulcer and the blood clots.  When we've been to all of these, our primary care doc will coordinate the opinions of everyone as to when we can begin anticoagulants, how long he will be on them, and when/if to remove the IVC filter.

In addition, we clarified with Physical Therapy that we don't want to pursue only osteo PT, but both neuro and osteo PT with a Spinal Cord Injury specialist.  The short story is that we have some good support through Kaiser to find someone that will fit Steve's needs, and we should zero in on our PT provider in the next week.  This is a huge answer to prayer, as I was beginning to feel discouraged and somewhat powerless to help Steve get anything better than mediocre care.

We got through Søren's party swimmingly.  Søren has such great little friends, and we all had a fantastic time.  Both Søren and Lucy have been into the PBS show Wild Kratts lately, and Søren requested it as his party theme.  This ended up being of strategic advantage to me, as I could recycle old Adventure Week props to decorate.  My friend Christi Watson came to help me decorate, and we got it looking habitat-y in no time flat, while looking like we'd spent hours.  Well, I had spent hours, just not for this party!

With some help from our neighbors and a sweet high-school gal from church, we pulled off activities and games that kept the kiddos happy and Søren felt loved and celebrated.  I found it amusing that my poor mom broke her ankle for my fifth birthday, and now we are operating with a gimpy parent for my son's fifth birthday.  Go figure.

Søren carrying his platypus egg to the hatching zone, and Lucy being hooked by a gummyworm!

Today we had no appointments, and I spent the day just exhausted.  I kept trying to figure out why all day.  It was just a kid's birthday party.  But I keep remembering the last 5 weeks and remembering that all our minds and bodies are trying to put themselves back together and that it is in God's will and instructions to be still, to rest, to heal.  So with that, I head to bed early to do just that.