Nuts and Bolts and Pins and Needles

Let me first update you on all the nitty gritty details of Steve's recovery plan.  He continues to gain mobility and balance each week, though the progress seems very slow.  He's been given two canes to replace his walker, which is much faster and less cumbersome.  He is working full-time with the exception of his appointments, and that continues to go well.  As his nerves "wake up" there is often some pain that goes with it.  His feet are painful, and his body gets sore from pushing himself in PT.  Thankfully this is not debiliating pain, but it is certainly uncomfortable.  As we hit the 3 month mark, he was able to wean off his brace!  That was exciting!

Last Wednesday, Steve started on the blood thinners to break up the DVT's (blood clots) in his legs, and he'll be on these meds for 6 months.  This is a very involved process with dietary control and restrictions and a weekly blood draw.  Any changes in his health must be reported to the DVT clinic immediately.  The lab situation is pretty time-costly on top of our already full medical schedule, so it should get interesting.

We discovered that Kaiser only approved one appointment for us at Rancho, waiting for a treatment plan before it would approve further appointments.  Our appointment 1 month ago was a screening, which was to lead us to a full evaluation.  We have been waiting for the paperwork to go through for the evaluation and anticipate an appointment this Wednesday for that.  THEN the treatment plan must be submitted and approved before we will have regular appointments.

In addition to the bureaucratics of health insurance, Steve has run into difficulty getting his disability reimbursement.  We submitted the paperwork in June.  We should have heard something weeks ago.  Their website consistently rejected his social security number.  So Steve spent 2 weeks calling literally 50-100 times every day, only to have his call dropped because of the "high volume of callers."  He finally got through and was told that a required signature was not received.  We sent it.  They don't have it.  So we start over and hope that we are not rejected for applying more than 90 days after the accident.  We are thankful to have a healthy financial safety net in the mean time.

School continues to go well, and I'm so very thankful for that.  I am not, however, any less busy!  I now have two sets of homework to oversee as well as 2 piano lessons/sets of practicing a week.  In addition, we have Lucy's weekly OT in Los Alamitos (a 30 minute drive).  So on my "free" mornings on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I am racing around to take care of laundry, grocery shopping, etc., and helping in the classroom.  Then it's a race in the afternoon from pick-up until bedtime.

Last week threw us another curve.  Wednesday morning Steve and the kids and I were on the way to work/school in our van, and we were rear-ended as we were about to turn a corner.  It was a low-impact bump and everyone was fine.  I just wasn't excited to add another hassle to our plate.  Then on Thursday I was flipping a U on Imperial, and a man in a truck pulled out of the Home Depot parking lot without seeing me and gunned it right into my right corner.  I was fine, and the car was able to be driven the mile home (after the tow-truck guy pulled the fender off of the tire), but we now have a second claim to handle.

I'll be straight with you, by Friday last week, all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and watch movies for 72 hrs. straight.  I am the family's only driver right now, and two accidents in as many days have made me never want to get behind the wheel again.  I felt deflated and tired.  We hit the 3 month mark on the 13th, and truthfully, this is all just feeling old.  Steve (though never complaining) is tired of being dependent, and feeling so exclusively identified with his accident.  Three months may not seem long, but I think it is the point at which about anything begins to feel stale.

When I sat down to pray Thursday I simply just asked God what to do with all this.  I cannot pretend I don't feel all that I'm feeling by simply thinking positive.  "At least you weren't hurt, at least the car wasn't totaled, etc."  I feel all those things.  I do.  My first thoughts after both accidents were thankfulness that no one was hurt, that my car was not totaled, that we have insurance, that I had my phone.  But I can't pretend that this hasn't brought my heart down.  As I've been asking God what to do with this, I'm reminded to just allow myself to feel what I'm feeling, and remember God's faithfulness to me in the past.  To hold a low spirit in tension with trust in a God greater than trifles like car accidents and bike accidents.  I don't need to pretend that my thankfulness replaces the wrongness of things like accidents.  But that God will redeem even this lowness of spirit, I have complete confidence.

As the weekend progressed, I realized that faith is not just trusting that God will "get me through this," but that I don't have to name all the lessons I am learning.  I may not know for a year, 5 years, 10 years how God is working now.  I may never know.  But he is continuing to build a confident trust and is giving me peace and calm in the not knowing.