Gettin' Around

Earle Travelogue - October 2014

*Note:  My daughter has pointed out from her recent studies that in one month, the Earles have traversed all four California terrain-types:  Coastal, Desert, Mountain, Valley.

Destination One:  Selma, CA (The Raisin Capitol of the World)
How did 20 years slip by so fast??  After leaving Steve at home with the kids (stop worrying, he was just fine!) I had an absolutely delightful 24 hours in the Central Valley.  My reunion was in a barn, as was right.  33 out of my 66 classmates and some spouses came, making the largest turn-out ever!  20 is the magic year.  It's when all the baloney melts away from high school, and you find out how much enjoyable people really can be.  I think perhaps I most loved hearing stories from people I didn't know as well, and getting high school from their perspectives.  And it turns out that wound-a-little-tight-Jenny has relaxed quite a bit and is WAY more fun now!

33 of the 66!  Go Class of '94

And I moved a mattress... that's a whole other story... 

Destination Two:  San Diego, CA (Shamu Capitol of the World)
My birthday weekend!  I said quite awhile ago that I thought it would be fun to go to Sea World for my birthday, and as it started to look like Steve could perhaps travel, it somehow became essential to me.  I found a Groupon for a hotel in Mission Bay (right on the beach!), and off we went!  I felt my soul just being cleansed as we went as a family to do something just so fun.

My brother's good buddy from Biola is an aquarist there, and he got us cheap tickets and a behind-the-scenes tour of the Sea Turtles and the coming-soon Octopus exhibit.  Best birthday awesomeness ever, without a doubt!  I mean, I had a massive 100-year-old sea turtle eating lettuce right out of my hand, and got to experience first-hand (literally) that octopus suction cups are individually articulated.  And very, very suctiony.

The kids loved the shows, of course, and I'll always be a sucker for a leaping dolphin.  Lucy kept turning to me and saying in this just-for-you voice, "Mom, I'm so glad it's your birthday.  I love you so much."  Melting. Søren had his perfect, sweet hugs for me all day.  That they had their attention and thoughts turned to me and who I am in the midst of the awesomeness (and I mean that in its original meaning!) of Sea World, well, I'll go with "incredibly meaningful" for utter lack of other words.

We also got to fulfill a small dream of mine:  Steve got to play on the beach with the kids.  They have longed for this, and I think it has symbolized a great loss to me.  This beach was right next to the hotel's little paths, and was accessible for Steve with his canes.  It was a beautiful moment to see the 3 of them goofing around together in the sand again.

Destination Three:  Mammoth Lakes, CA (Weird Postpile Capitol of the World)
While the timing was strange, an opportunity came up for us to use a suite in Mammoth for a song, and when we discovered that the Geringers were going, we booked it and figured we'd pick up any pieces later.  Oh, the perfection of it all!

The kids were beyond thrilled to spend part of their time with the Geringer kids: in the pool, playing Uno Attack, playing Minecraft.  Or talking about Minecraft.  Or thinking about Minecraft.  Or thinking about playing Minecraft again.  And you pretty much will never have trouble convincing me to spend as much time as I can with two of my favorite people on the planet.  Or to spend as much time as I can in the Sierras.  So perfect.

But perhaps the hilight for all of us was that Steve...well...he hiked! Doug loaned him some hiking sticks that look kind of like ski poles (you know, like the quintessential Swiss and German hikers have!).  I figured he'd get to the Devil's Postpile.  0.4 miles, that should do us for the day, right.  No, Steve wanted to get to the top.  And by heaven, he did!  It was clearly slow going, and there were several times we thought this was the dumbest thing we'd ever done, but that man was not going to get halfway there.  Deep, deep joy seeping into my soul.

So then we did it again at Hot Creek Geological Site, a hot springs right off of the Mammoth-Yosemite airport.  Amazing site, steep decline, triumphant Steve.  Unbelievable.

Destination Four:  Selma, CA (Raisin Capitol of the World, and Site of Maternal Grandparents)
I was humbled and honored back in August when I was asked to serve Riverpark Bibe Church in Fresno as speaker for their Holiday Women's Tea.  Let me tell you, they do it up right.  Each table painstakingly adorned, food exquisitely prepared, and hospitality like nobody's business.  I felt welcomed, loved and cared for well before I ever even set foot on their campus.  It was an absolute privilege to be there, and it continues to be clear that God wanted to use our story to work in the hearts of many others.  I'll tell you more about this one later--I'd love to share some of the insights God granted me as I prepared.

Meanwhile... Magical Things happen when children take their grandfather (and his wallet) to one of the coolest pumpkin patches ever.  I think my dad got to experience that deep, soul-filling joy of seeing how God has healed Steve's body.  The last time he saw Steve was day 3 or 4 at in-patient rehab.  To see Steve (slowly) getting up rustic stairs was jaw-dropping to him, and I could hear in his voice and demeanor the sort of speechless thanksgiving he was offering to the God of all healing.  As the by-standing physician who has closely followed Steve's case throughout, he knows the minutia of the body's healing process.  The intricate workings of muscle and nerve and cell and mind and will.  One who could picture Steve's broken body on the operating table with stark clarity and reality.  To then see this man walk from the kitchen to the living room without a cane, to see it with his own eyes.  Just imagine.

Trains were ridden, pumpkins were purchased ("Sure you can have as many as you want!  As long as you can carry them!"), and then home-grown chiles relleño were fried up to close out the day.  Oh yes, and Apple Betty baked, made with apples the kids had picked themselves from the tree Grandpa planted at the farm when their oldest cousin was born.

 


1900 miles later, I'm ready to park my hiney in La Mirada for a spell, but rarely has travel worked its way so deep into my soul.

Bloggy friends!  HI!  Oh man, I'm so happy to be back here again!  I've missed you! (Wow, that sounds odd!)

It's been a little sparse around here for a couple of reasons.  First, this was a CRAZY October.  We were gone 4 weekends in a row.  That's a lot in Old Normal Life, but in New Normal Life, wow.  I'm the sole driver, and I logged almost 1900 miles, just in all the getting-there-and-back.  More on the travel later.

Second, there wasn't a whole lot to report medically this last month.  Steve finally plateaued in early October with his Kaiser PT, and decided to do all his therapy at the Biola gym and at home for a few weeks.  He said goodbye to his PT, who choked up when he left, and we ended 3 months of PT there.  His progress, as always, has been slow and steady.  He's faster and more stable.  But his feet still look like floppy swim fins, and there are other areas that are coming back too slowly for a report.  Nothing out of the realm of our expectations at this point.  

When we met with the surgeon, he reminded us that his nerves have a LONG way to grow.  At only a millimeter a day, that is 100 days for one centimeter.  We don't know the extent of the damage, and how much will have to re-grow, re-connect.  The physical therapy, even for those parts of his body over which he has little control, is to prevent muscle atrophy, and to promote muscle memory so that when those nerves finally reconnect, they have something to "talk" to.  Think of it like a freeway that has had a bridge collapse over it (think Northridge, '94).  You have to have a working freeway on either side so that when the bridge is rebuilt, traffic can resume with fluidity.  (Medical people, pleeease feel free to weigh in and correct me.)
 
So.  Then TUESDAY, after FOUR months of back-and-forth, Steve actually for reals started his ongoing out-patient physical therapy at Rancho Los Amigos.  He will do PT there twice a week until April, then they will reassess and go from there.

This is a new ball game.  It's the difference between using salad tongs and tweezers to get out a splinter.  There's no guarantee you'll get the splinter out, but you're using the right tools.  Yesterday his muscle strength, etc. was assessed, which means they give numbers on a scale to his strength and mobility.  They will periodically compare and reassess these numbers to chart his progress.  They put him in a balance machine, which measures, well, his balance.  All this helps them pinpoint and craft his home exercises as well.  Today was the second appointment, and they did just that--focused on home exercises.  They also talked about putting Steve in foot/ankle braces.  This would give him far greater balance and help him likely go down to one cane.  (Jaclyn, are you so happy about this or what?) Progress!

One major area that is still difficult is that he isn't driving yet.  He never EVER complains about it, but he is completely dependent on others for his mobility.  I'm thankful we live so close to where he works, because it makes my driving him so incredibly much easier.  But it's still tough to time it all, especially when you add in my driving Lucy to OT and piano and Søren to piano, plus school, homework, and all the Stuff.  If you are still praying for us, please pray that how we deal with the driving issue is resolved soon and with wisdom.  We have some options but it's not yet clear what direction we should go.

Another hurdle is the difficult timing of the appointments that have been available at Rancho.  They are during times when I simply do not have the option of driving him because of school pick-up/drop-off.  So far we have had some stellar folks who've made significant adjustments to be able to take him, and we are so grateful.  But how this will work out over a 4 month period could get very tricky, especially if we're not able to work the driving out soon.

In all, this is a week (and month!) to thank God out of the very deep joy we have had.

Stay tuned ... I've got more stuff to tell you/show you!

Hot-tober

I wrote this last week and never posted it!  And it is MUCH cooler now!  =)  Enjoy!
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Oh, Southern California, could we just bid a not-so-fold farewell to the 90-100 degree days already??  People are pinning photos of boots and scarves and hot cider and I so WANNA.  But hey, enough whining about the weather, I have a/c!  And cute flip-flops.

I haven't posted much, as there isn't much to post.  In Søren's music class, the very first song they learn to play goes like this... "I step up, I step down.  Stay the same."  (The notes correspond, of course.)  That kinda describes all the Stuff.  Not much movement toward Rancho--we hear Oct. 28th.  We finally received and sent in the new paperwork for Disability.  Now we wait.  The van is in the shop for a few weeks, and the 4-Runner is getting a good little work out.  Did I tell you before that it turned out the accident was my fault?  I was 100% convinced I was making a legal U-turn at the time.  You can see where this is going... So it was a big blow to discover that it was my fault.  But again, that is why we have insurance, and I'm so thankful.

When Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden, the ground was cursed because of them.  Weeds grew up, and by the sweat of Adams brow was a living to come forth.  The physical world and our relationship with it was cursed.  Our relationship with Work was cursed.  Even in these small but wearying things I see that brokenness of relationship, brokenness of purpose.  A reminder that this is not how it should Be.  But I think that is in so many ways a comfort.  A relief!  This ISN'T how it is supposed to be!  We were designed for more, for better.  And it will take place!  I've never seen that as poignantly as I have in these last 3.5 months.  Oh, for a better country!  Higher up and farther in!

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We have several fun things in the midst of all the hassle.  I made a 24 hr. trip to Selma to attend my 20-year reunion with my old Immanuel High School pals (and moved a queen mattress in the mean time... that's kind of a weird, other story).  It was even better than I expected.  20 years is when you forget all the Stuff from high school and just enjoy seeing people you haven't seen in ages.  My class had 66 graduates, and 33 of them showed.  I had so much fun that I was shocked to look at the time and discover it was gaining on 2 am.  Even 20 years later I instinctively felt bad for being out past curfew!  But it was a fantastic trip, and I was thankful for people who supported Steve while I was gone.

We have THREE great trips coming up that are serving as very sweet consolation to our summer.  We'll get to go to SeaWorld for my birthday and stay in Mission Bay--the kids will get their longed-for wish of playing at the beach with Dad.  We also were given a wonderful chance to go to Mammoth with some of our very best friends--and I'll get to enjoy being COLD!  And we will get to see my parents--the first time we'll have seen them since Long Beach rehab.  So much joy bound up in that last paragraph.  God has met our needs far beyond the basic ones.  I'm so aware of how intimately he knows our hearts and what we long for.  We have worked to seek him in all of this, and he has added all these things to us.  Piled good things on us.  What a true Father he is.

Nuts and Bolts and Pins and Needles

Let me first update you on all the nitty gritty details of Steve's recovery plan.  He continues to gain mobility and balance each week, though the progress seems very slow.  He's been given two canes to replace his walker, which is much faster and less cumbersome.  He is working full-time with the exception of his appointments, and that continues to go well.  As his nerves "wake up" there is often some pain that goes with it.  His feet are painful, and his body gets sore from pushing himself in PT.  Thankfully this is not debiliating pain, but it is certainly uncomfortable.  As we hit the 3 month mark, he was able to wean off his brace!  That was exciting!

Last Wednesday, Steve started on the blood thinners to break up the DVT's (blood clots) in his legs, and he'll be on these meds for 6 months.  This is a very involved process with dietary control and restrictions and a weekly blood draw.  Any changes in his health must be reported to the DVT clinic immediately.  The lab situation is pretty time-costly on top of our already full medical schedule, so it should get interesting.

We discovered that Kaiser only approved one appointment for us at Rancho, waiting for a treatment plan before it would approve further appointments.  Our appointment 1 month ago was a screening, which was to lead us to a full evaluation.  We have been waiting for the paperwork to go through for the evaluation and anticipate an appointment this Wednesday for that.  THEN the treatment plan must be submitted and approved before we will have regular appointments.

In addition to the bureaucratics of health insurance, Steve has run into difficulty getting his disability reimbursement.  We submitted the paperwork in June.  We should have heard something weeks ago.  Their website consistently rejected his social security number.  So Steve spent 2 weeks calling literally 50-100 times every day, only to have his call dropped because of the "high volume of callers."  He finally got through and was told that a required signature was not received.  We sent it.  They don't have it.  So we start over and hope that we are not rejected for applying more than 90 days after the accident.  We are thankful to have a healthy financial safety net in the mean time.

School continues to go well, and I'm so very thankful for that.  I am not, however, any less busy!  I now have two sets of homework to oversee as well as 2 piano lessons/sets of practicing a week.  In addition, we have Lucy's weekly OT in Los Alamitos (a 30 minute drive).  So on my "free" mornings on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I am racing around to take care of laundry, grocery shopping, etc., and helping in the classroom.  Then it's a race in the afternoon from pick-up until bedtime.

Last week threw us another curve.  Wednesday morning Steve and the kids and I were on the way to work/school in our van, and we were rear-ended as we were about to turn a corner.  It was a low-impact bump and everyone was fine.  I just wasn't excited to add another hassle to our plate.  Then on Thursday I was flipping a U on Imperial, and a man in a truck pulled out of the Home Depot parking lot without seeing me and gunned it right into my right corner.  I was fine, and the car was able to be driven the mile home (after the tow-truck guy pulled the fender off of the tire), but we now have a second claim to handle.

I'll be straight with you, by Friday last week, all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and watch movies for 72 hrs. straight.  I am the family's only driver right now, and two accidents in as many days have made me never want to get behind the wheel again.  I felt deflated and tired.  We hit the 3 month mark on the 13th, and truthfully, this is all just feeling old.  Steve (though never complaining) is tired of being dependent, and feeling so exclusively identified with his accident.  Three months may not seem long, but I think it is the point at which about anything begins to feel stale.

When I sat down to pray Thursday I simply just asked God what to do with all this.  I cannot pretend I don't feel all that I'm feeling by simply thinking positive.  "At least you weren't hurt, at least the car wasn't totaled, etc."  I feel all those things.  I do.  My first thoughts after both accidents were thankfulness that no one was hurt, that my car was not totaled, that we have insurance, that I had my phone.  But I can't pretend that this hasn't brought my heart down.  As I've been asking God what to do with this, I'm reminded to just allow myself to feel what I'm feeling, and remember God's faithfulness to me in the past.  To hold a low spirit in tension with trust in a God greater than trifles like car accidents and bike accidents.  I don't need to pretend that my thankfulness replaces the wrongness of things like accidents.  But that God will redeem even this lowness of spirit, I have complete confidence.

As the weekend progressed, I realized that faith is not just trusting that God will "get me through this," but that I don't have to name all the lessons I am learning.  I may not know for a year, 5 years, 10 years how God is working now.  I may never know.  But he is continuing to build a confident trust and is giving me peace and calm in the not knowing.

The Earles' New Groove

Last week we said goodbye to summer.  In all, we managed to piece together a good summer.  The kids and I made it out to Catalina, the kids went to the aquarium, we did swim lessons, we played with friends, and went to the beach.  As our last hurrah, Steve took his one and only vacation day this summer, and we headed to the Natural History Museum before our passes expired.  It warms my heart that my children love museums!  Marshall, you trained us well!

We felt that we'd finally arrived when it came to museum visits!  The kids are really interested in learning, and Steve and I actually got to look at the exhibits without chasing constantly after kids.  It was a super fun day out! 

 We had hoped to alleviate our cabin fever by going away somewhere for the weekend, but truly were just too tired to try to find a place that was accessible, restful, inexpensive, and not a 6 hr. car trip away.  We opted for a Stay-cation. We surprised the kids by taking them to the Lego Store at Downtown Disney and letting them pick out a lego set of their choice.  Why I didn't get their reactions on film is beyond me, because it was GOLD.  Their faces lit up as if their dreams had all come true.  

Doesn't it totally look like Hulk is about to push Steve's wheel chair?  

 They put together their legos for hours, and I got to work on a latent craft, a (fabric) succulent wreath for my front door.  I refuse to put up a Fall wreath when it's 100 degrees out.

Not totally sure who is happiest with the Legos... 

So.  Then came September 4th, the First Day of School.  Also known as The Day I Remember What Quiet Sounds Like.  Many of you were praying for the day, as we often just don't know what kind of reaction we'll get to a new school year.  It truly couldn't have gone better.  Søren was super chill about the whole thing, Lucy was more excited for Søren than anyone.  We were sad not to see a couple special friends there who have moved away, but also so happy to see other great friends.  Lucy's teacher is such a great fit for her, and is a stellar teacher.

Søren got Lucy's Kindergarten teacher, and we couldn't be more thrilled.  I'm looking forward to helping in her classroom--she is the Circus Master, and I totally love helping out there.  He doesn't really know anyone yet, but it doesn't seem to bother him.  I know it won't be long before he connects with some of the really great kids in his class.  

Kindergarten and 3rd Grade!

And then this weekend, we bought Steve a cane.  I totally wish we had a super awesome cane--this one was the generic black cane at Rite Aid.  But it's already a huge help to him at home, as he can carry things with more stability.

So we are all in a bit of a new groove.  The kids are getting used to school, Steve is trying out some new walking tricks, and I am remembering what it is like to Think my Thoughts during the day. I can't help but chuckle -- the PTA has been swooping low as they discover that I have BOTH my kids in school all day.  I just smile and decide not to tell them that I'm driving my husband to 3-4 appointments a week, working through all of our medical paperwork, and catching up on the past 8.5 years of having small children at home.  And maybe doing my own grooving to something other than Everything Is Awesome.

Space For Tears

With all the forward progress we have had and the further away we've gotten from the trauma of Steve's accident, I have felt that my emotions have returned to a state of normal.  I don't feel sad or weepy in general, but rather busy and tired.  I haven't had meals scheduled for our family, because I feel like I should be able to get them on the table just fine.  I'm not scared for Steve's life, he is constantly--if slowly--improving.  Things could have been much, much worse and we are deeply thankful.

Yesterday our small group, with whom we've been meeting for well over a decade (part of that group for 15 years now) got together as we are starting our Fall schedule.  These are the people with whom we've done life.  We've been through long-suffering with this group, as well as great joys.  Somehow, sitting around with a group who has permission to ask the really probing questions just tapped the faucet for me.  I deeply felt the pain of this summer, the loss, the weight of responsibility I shoulder, the weariness of our weekly forward march.  I felt the exhaustion of having very little margin in our lives.  I felt the cabin fever of invalids.  I felt the loss the kids have experienced, my limits as a parent.  The continued loss of the littlest things that pile up together.

I remember years ago Virginia Friesen saying that we don't as a culture allow ample time for post-op.  Our bodies desperately need the time to recover, even when we think we feel "normal."  We feel weak and sheepish if we are not back up on our feet right away.  This is true of our minds and emotions as well.  I think because so many things in our life had achieved a new routine, a new normal, I no longer had a place to grieve, to feel, to shed tears.  I'm not sure I wanted to.  I felt sheepish, indulgent, and ungrateful. And I've been doing what I myself preach against--comparing my suffering to the great suffering of others and belittling it in comparison.

When we were still at UCI, Steve was more emotional than he's ever been in his life.  The meds he was on made him exceptionally emotional, not to mention the trauma.  As he and I were crying together over the realization of some of the losses, Denise Geringer in her great wisdom said to us,"Tears are a gift to us.  God gave us a mechanism of release for those emotions so that we don't store them in our bodies or our minds."

So today I am thankful that God is providing space for those tears to fall, reminding myself that there will be tears for some time to come.  I think as an outsider looking in, seeing Steve's progress sets things into order, and checks off a box.  With the advent of more global media, we develop sympathy fatigue and simply do not have the capacity to carry that much second-hand grief on our own shoulders.  So as a culture we cling to good news and allow ourselves to check it off.  Oh, your cancer isn't fatal?  You had the surgery?  Awesome, you're all done, back to normal.  And yet, a part of yourself, an irreplaceable season of your life, is gone and can never be retrieved.  The slate is not clean.

So as we bear one another's burdens, this does not mean that you must feel every feeling that your community feels, that you cannot feel joy that their prognosis is good.  You do not have to enter completely into their suffering.  As Ecclesiastes says, there is a time for everything.  So if there is a time for tears, that also means there is a time for NOT tears.  But we must also allow those who are suffering the space to shed the tears, even if it is far past the impact of their grief.  It is okay not to cheer them up, but to let them shed the weight of grief a little bit.  To exercise that gift God gave us of tears.

As for me, I will try to let others help me more, so that I can allow myself the time to feel what I need to feel.  To give myself the space for those tears.  If I don't, I can't make room for the joy God has in store for me as he gives us back more than we have lost.  And in the end, he will indeed wipe away every single tear I've shed, and redeem this time a million-fold.

My view from Secret Spot #2.  Cloudy today, so no Catalina for me.

Rancho at Last!

This is the only cool view of Rancho.  The rest of it is about as old-school as you can get--sprawled and slightly weird and clearly last renovated before I was born.  But it's what's on the inside that counts.

We had our initial evaluation early today, so we dropped the kids with our heroes across the street and got super lucky with traffic, allowing us to get to our appointment early.  This is a state-run hospital and while in Downey, bumps up against South Gate, Lynwood, Paramount and Compton.  Most patients here are Medicare and Medical.  And it's also known world-wide for its cutting edge rehab programs.

We had a short appointment with the physical therapist to evaluate the direction we will be going.  Had there been no hope of recovery, Steve would've been directed toward therapy that helps him deal well with what he's got.  But because he has already progressed so much, they are excited to be much more aggressive.

So the PT has slated him for "urgent," one-on-one therapy, likely 2 times a week.  It looks like another 2 weeks before the extensive evaluation where we'll piece together more details, but the ball is officially rolling.

We both really liked the therapist, and felt really good about the direction they want to go with Steve.  This is truly a gift from God, and a response to your specific prayers.